Dreams, Schemes, and Moon Beams
by The REAL Doakes
Summary: 32 year old Fred McDoogle finally lives his dream of meeting his favorite MLP characters. But will it be all it cracked up to be? Stay tuned to find out!
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time, there was a 31 year old brony lad named Fred McDoogle. But this brony lad wasn't your ordinary 31 year old brony lad. This was an advanced 31 year old brony lad.

Fred McDoogle grew up in a small town in Iowa. He was a normal boy at first - he played with Hotwheels and Transformers. When he was 8, his little sister Tanisha Monterray McDoogle was born. He liked Tanisha and they got along really well.

When Tanisha was 6, she learned about a new favorite toy. It was called My Little Pony. At last, for her 7th birthday, the McDoogles bought her a whole collection of My Little Pony dolls. Fred McDoogle laughed and thought it was a waste of money. A few weeks later, he went into his little sister's room to troll her by messing with her ponies. You see, she was a dick about them and always wanted them lined up in a specific order. He went over to her collection, and grabbed a few to throw randomly around the room.

Suddenly, as he placed his hands on the pony dolls, he realized that they were actually really beautiful. He stroked their flowing manes and admired their perfect forms. How had he not noticed these until then? He snatched them all and threw them in his nap sack. He was about to make it out with them when Tanisha walked in.

"What are you doing with my ponies, Fred McDoogle?" she asked.

"Uhhhhh just... throwing these stupid girl toys away!" He grabbed one to toss onto the floor to prove his point. He made a throwing motion with his hand, but he couldn't let go of the pony. He tried again, but he couldn't bare getting a scratch on the beautiful My Little Pony.

Tanisha stood there, confused. Fred knocked her down and ran into his room. She started crying.

Back in his room, 15 year old Fred McDoogle filled his laundry hamper with My Little Ponies to keep them safe. He lept inside and bathed in them. He saw one particularly attractive pony and began smooching it.

Mr. John Johnson McDoogle knocked on his son's door. "Fred!" he called. "Why did you make your little sister cry? What's going on?"

Mr. McDoogle slams open the door, and to his horror, sees his son frolicking naked holding pony toys. He throws up and does not stop. His own vomit flows him out of the room. He comes back after regaining composure with Mrs. Leedle Lee Leedly Loo McDoogle.

Upon seeing her only son swimming in a pool of girl toys, Mrs. McDoogle bursts into tears. "WHY FREDDY WHY!"

"Put those girl toys down immediately, young lad!" Mr. McDoogle scolds.

"No father! I would put them down if they were girl toys but they are not. Clearly they are designed for 32 year old men."

"NO SON I'M 32 AND I CAN RECOGNIZE A KIDS GIRLS SHOW!"

"STOP TELLING ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE! YOU AREN'T MY PARENTS!"

"YES WE ARE?" says Mrs. McDoogle.

"I BELONG TO NO ONE BUT MLP! MY FATHER IS FLUFFY MCSHITBEAN AND MY MOTHER IS SPARKLEPUSSDICK!"

"THE HELL IS MLP?" says John McDoogle.

"UR MUM IS MLP!" says Fred.

At this time, Grandma Twinky Dongdong McDoogle pops in. "YOU LIL FAGGOT BE A MAN!" she hollers, hitting Fred with her cane. "BACK IN MY DAY, BOYS USED TO BE BOYS AND GIRLS USED TO BE GIRLS. YOU LIL HOMO MCSHOMO! I WILL KILL YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR KIND!"

"WHO NEEDS TO BE A MAN WHEN YOU CAN BE BETTER THAN A MAN! YOU CAN BE A PONY! NAY, YOU CAN BE A BRONY! NEIGH!"

In that moment, Fred realized his inner pony. He would never be confined to human sociatal norms again.

"NEIGH! NEIGHT!" NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIGHJJ!GVASDGER!"

He began bucking like a horse and kicked his father in the throat, pulling his heart out with his hoof. He ate it like a horse eats a carrot. Then he hopped on his mother and road her like a pony, shitting on her because horses shit wherever they want. He shat on her again and hoofed her in the brain, removing her frontal lobe and reducing her to a zombie.

Grandma Twinky eyed her grandson and pulled out a machete. "GIVE ME NO FAGGOTRY OR GIVE ME DEATH!" she hollered and then she charged. She pulled out a cross in which to burn him on, but he caught the holy water in mid air with his frost vision and froze it into a dagger. He sliced her balls off with it and then sliced each limb off one by one. Limbless Granny McDoogle bit her grandson on the mane in a last ditch effort to save the world. But Fred was a Super Saiyan now, and he shed his mane and lit it on fire, burning down his house and the last remnants of his old life.

Tanisha McDoogle walked outside as he road off. "But Freddy, why did you steal my toys?"

Fred walked up to his little sister and kneed her in the gut. "They are not your toys, you are a little girl and they are grown men ponies." With that, he pounded his hoof down, splitting the Earth and dropping Tanisha into an enternal abyss.

He shook the blood out of his mane and tale, and grew wings. He flew off into the clouds, following his magical dick to Pony Land.


	2. Chapter 2

As Fred McDoogle flew away on his newfound pony dick, pimples grew on his face and his voice got all squeaky and queer. He slowly evolved into a fat nerd. But he was a free fat nerd, and he galloped through the sky, shitting on strangers below him because horses can't control that.

However, as Fred got fatter and nerdier, he began to sink from his own weight. His once limber wings were worn down by his fat and overall dweebiness. Suddenly, a mountain appeared in the way. He swerved to dodge it, but got pulled in by its gravitational force. As he hit the ground, he realized it wasn't a mountain, it was his worst nightmare. A middle school! He landed on a wheelbarrel and a principle pushed him inside.

"Ok laddy let's register you for some classes!"

"NUUUUUUUUUUU! THis is all a misunderstanding! I am a pony! Not a human! Ponies don't need education, all they need is basements and mom's to live with at 30. STAHHHHP!"

"Ok so I'll put you in gym and sign you up for the football team."

"NEIGHHHH I SAY! I am 15, I am too old for middle school."

"But ur a pony lad and ponies never grow up. Welcome to class laddy boy!"

Fred McDoogle wondered the halls. He was not used to being around normal people. He figured, however, that since he was such an amazing pony, people were just dying to befriend him. He decided to accept this friendship out of pity.

He sat down at a table at lunch. "So, how many of you bronies are into MLP?"

"MLP?" They asked.

"Wow, you humans are dumber than I thought. You need some more caring and sparkles in your lives."

"?"

Fred sighed. Did he have to walk them through this step by step? "Let's all state our favorite ponies. Mine is Dumpy Rainbowshitter. How about you lads?"

They all threw there food at him in disgust.

"FREE FOOD!" He galloped in delight, licking up all the food like a true pony. All of the people ran away.

As he left the cafeteria, some cool kids with funky hair called him a "fat nerd."

"You must be confused, young lads. I am not a fat nerd, I am a fat nerd brony!"

They threw him in a dumpster and kicked him in the chin.

Fred was flabberghasted. They must have missed the episode where they explained that sharing was caring.

Surprised at his inability to meet any fellow ponies, Fred knew he must take a more aggressive stance.

When he went to change into his gym clothes, he knew what he had to do. He crammed into his Poopyface Wangsmuggler costume and threw sparkles at his peers. They just beat him up more.

He realized that there was only one way to distinguish who was a pony and who was a human. By slaughtering each and every one of them until he met a formidable foe.

He ripped their stomaches out and stuck them in their esophaguses. He brutally bashed their corpses and made them taste the rainbow. He drowned them in vats of sparkles, and made them all share one coffin because sharing is caring. He taught them the power of friendship by pummeling their skulls.

The gym teacher emerged and gave him and F. "F FOR FRIENDSHIP," he whinnied. To teach his gym teacher about friendship, he lit him on fire and then froze him in an eternal flame.

He was galloping out of this overrated highschool, when he ran into those bullies again.

"YOU WANNA CALL ME A FAGGOT NOW," he asked, showing off his hat made of human intestines.

"ye" they said.

He charged them with hooves of fury, but right before he mangled their sphincters, they shot hooves out of their pants. THEY WERE PONIES TOOO!

"Hey lad you passed the test!"

"The test?"

"ye. We wanted to make sure you had the guts to kill us before we revealed our pony identities."

"YAY! MORE PONIES! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?" exclaimed Freddy boy.

"YAH! We can be pony friends for life and now we can be with others of our kind!"

Fred was happy to finally be with other bronies. He felt so accepted, and not hated. Suddenly, he realized that he loved being hated! The fact that he was accepted was sickening. It wasn't cool anymore when he wasn't the weirdest person. That was the reason he became a brony to begin with - to be hated and to have something to accuse people of and expect them to accept. How would he get attention now?

Fred leaped up on his back hooves, flashing lightning down from the sky.

"Fred, friend?" they asked cautiously.

Fred lunged at the nearest pony and clobbered his pony body into two pieces, revealing two ponies in a pony suit. He donkey kicked each one with the might of a thousand suns, splattering them into a million pieces before they even launched off of his mighty hooves. He stormed the next pony, cooking him alive in a pot of lava, dipping his meat in poison, and feeding it to the other pony.

There were only three ponies left now. They combined into SUPER PONY! He shived down the bones of the other ponies and made a pointy suit of armor. Then he made a bone crossbow, and shot eyeballs at them. "Eewwwww" they said, and split back into regular ponies. Seeing the opportunity, he made the other ponies into glue and glued them to the ground. He threw pepper in their faces to make them sneeze.

While they were busy saying "blesh you" to each other, he pounded his hoof to the ground and split the Earth with a mighty wail. They all fell into the eternal abyss. As he was about to close the void, he saw Tanisha climbing out.

In a sudden moment of mercy, he reached down to pull her out. However, his splitting the Earth made quite a bit of wind. He watched from the corner of his eye as a My Little Pony doll edged towards the void. Tanisha reached up to grab his hand, but he kneed her in the face and saved the pony instead. As she fell back into hell, she yelled "you lil queeeeeeeeer!"

Fred held the pony he saved in his arms. "It's ok, Faggyshy, pappy's here."

Suddenly, the pony shot a message out of its mane.

"DEAR FRED," it read. "THOSE GUYS WEREN'T EVEN REAL PONIES THAT U KILLED SO NICE JOB LAD. THOSE WERE UNICORNS! IF U WANNA MEET US REAL PONIES, YA GOTTA KEEP UP WIT UR QUEST 4 PONYLAND. ONLY THEN WILL YOU FIND WHAT IT TRULY MEANS TO BE A BRONY."

"O!" Fred exclaimed. "But where do I begin?"

"WELL LAD, YOU GOTTA DO THE GAYEST MOST OBNOXIOUS THINGS IMAGINABLE. ONLY AFTER YOU SHOVE YOUR SICK OBSESSION WITH CHILDRENS TOYS DOWN THE THROATS OF OTHERS WILL THE MAGICAL PORTAL TO PONYLAND BE REVEALED!"

"THAR NOT CHILDRENS TOYS THEY ARE AIMED AT ADULT AUDIENCE OBVIOUSLY!" Fred wailed. He threw the pony doll into the abyss, but not before getting intimate with it.

He summoned a bolt of lightning, and road it to the next stop on his journey.


	3. Chapter 3

Fred McDoogle decided to stop in the local library to see if they had any Brony porn. He asked the librarian where he could find a brony "manga."

He stepped on three little girls to make it to the counter. "I noticed you didn't have your MLP collection in the library featured section where it belonged. Where might I find some MLP?"

"What?" Asked the kind old woman.

Fred McDoogle devoured her skull and demanded he be helped by someone who knew what they were doing.

Three eaten librarians later, one asked, "You mean My Little Pony?"

"WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO MEAN?" Sighed Fred, wiping librarian blood out of his mane.

"Oh, My Little Pony is in the kids section, under "Girls 3 and Under."

"WHY?" Asked Fred, astonished. "DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO SET UP A LIBRARY? MLP IS FOR ALL AGES. AS IS MY GUN!"

He massacred the library and reluctantly headed into the little girl section. He looked for the next MLP book, called "Fluffershit and the Rainbow Dilemma." However, they had every book except the one he wanted! His eyeballs almost popped out of his head, but then he noticed a one year old teething on his book. He had a meltdown, and incinerated the child. He demanded the book be restored to its rightful quality. But all the staff were dead.

"FINE!" he declared, annoyed. "I'll just look it up on one of those "com-poo-ters."

He sat down at a computer and stared at it for a while. He kept screaming "SHOW MEH THE PONEEeEZZ" but it didn't respond. After massacring a whole family of desktops, he happened upon one that was already logged into. He pushed aside the dead staff member who had been using the computer, and opened the "World Wide Web." He was mad it wasn't called the Pony Wide Pony.

He tried to find Broniness by typing in "MLP" to Google. It said, "Did you mean MLB baseball?" He shot the computer 47 times and tried again on another, this time typing out My Little Pony.

The first page brought him to a "wiki." It began, "My Little Pony is a show aimed for a toddler female audience." Some "troll" must have been vandalizing the page! He made an account and edited the page. He deleted all, and began, "MY LITTLE PONY IS EVERYTANNNNG! IT IS AIMED AT 20-40 Y/O MALES AND NO GOIRLIES ALLOWED! TODDLERS DIEIEEIEEI WHEN THE LOOK AT MLP'S AWESOMENESS & THAT'S WHY ITS NOT AIMED FOR THEM BC MLP KEPT GET SUDED. WA!"

He refreshed the page, awaiting the praise from other fellow bronies. However, his edits were already gone! He got a message. Surely from a fellow Brony. It said, "DIE FAGGOT!" It was from the Wiki staff. He tried to respond with a hate message, but typed so furiedly and so quickly that the keyboard caught ablaze. He settled for sending the entire wiki staff bombs in the mail.

He happened upon another wiki page, where some retarded imbecile put down that Sparklez Faggymouth was born on the 12th day in the 33rd Pony Month of Gaytember, when, in fact, she was born on the 13th day! He tried to right wrongs and triumph over evil, but when he tried to submit his edit, it said he was BANNED?

This was new to him. As terrible as it was, he enjoyed this feeling. He wanted to get "banned" from every site on the Web. And he wouldn't stop, if his middle name wasn't BRONYPRIDE!

He googled "website." The first suggestion was YouTube. "Hmmm. This could be interesting," he thought. He was so excited to be able to watch videos for free! In his enthusiasm, he clicked the first video he saw. It was called, "GTA V Gameplay Episode 52."

He began watching the video. Three seconds in, he was disgusted and could not watch anymore of this infancy. People must know how awful this video was. He saw a section labelled "Comments." He wrote what was on his mind:

"THIS GAME IS FOR BABIES! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD PLAY THIS SHIIIIT? I WOULDN'T PLAY IT IF I HAD A CHOICE BETWEEN GETTING TORTURED TO DEATH OR PLAYING IT FOR ONE SECOND BECAUSE THAT'S BASICALLY THE SAME THING! ANYONE WHO PLAYS THIS SHOULD DRINK SO MUCH BLEACH THAT THEY EXPLODE. IN HELL, THEY SHOULD CONTINUE TO DRINK SAID BLEACH UNTIL THEY KNOW TALENT! AND TALK ABOUT THAT GUY'S VOICE! DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED! I WOULD RATHER TEAR MY BRAINSTEM OUT, WALK INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE NEAREST THREE WAY- FOUR WAY! INTERSECTION AND SKIP ROPE WITH IT, THEN CONTINUE LISTENING TO THAT SQUEAKY SQUIDWARD DEEP MURMER. KILL YOURSHELF PLS. werwretjygyuKJHGFDSDFGHJK"

He refreshed the screen to await all the likes that his comment would inevitably get. He had a DISLIKE, and a comment. It said, "Woah bruh, chill out."

"YOU CHILL OUT YOU FAGGOT FAGGY FAGGGGTRON GAYBOY QUEERBOY LIL GIRL FAGBYYYYYYY!"

He cackled evilly at how hard that guy was roasted. He bet the guy was so devastated that he killed himself and his family.

He was shocked to see he wrote a response. Surely a suicide note. But alas, it said, "At least I'm not a Brony…."

?

Fred didn't know what to say. That guy was acting like his brony profile pic of Shittymane Turdhorse was a bad thing! He started sputtering, and his face turned blood red. He started punching the wall, but it when he couldn't put a dent in it, he started slamming his head into it. He bit his own hand off and ate it. Then he blacked out.

When he awoke, he was in a puddle of blood from his missing hand. He sewed it back on, and refreshed the page to make sure that faggyster was put in his place by his other fellow Bronies. BUT ALL THE COMMENTS SIDED WITH THE NO GOOD TROUBLE MAKER!

EVEN A FAKE BRONY SIDED WITH HIM! He said "I love MLP too, but you shouldn't go around being mean to others. That's not the Pony way."

Fred started foaming at the mouth. WHAT DID HE KNOW ABOUT THE PONY WAY? THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE BRONY CODE OF CONDUCT ABOUT BEING NICE! He ripped his hair out and burnt it, throwing the ashes in his eyes. He cut both his legs off and glued them to his nostrils so he couldn't breathe. His head started spinning around, and he climbed up the wall like a demon, with his head turned completely around. He bit off his hand again, and he grinded his teeth until there was nothing left. He cut out his tongue and glued it to his nose-foot, then slammed it against the wall. He poured gasoline on himself and lit himself on fire. Then he stabbed himself in the gut 5555 times and leapt out the window, devouring the shattered glass. He launched himself into space, and jumped out of the rocket, falling down to Earth and landing in a nuclear power plant.

He transformed into the Incredible Hulk, and wreaked having on the Earth. He killed every last human being, and then spit them all out and brought them back to life just for kicks. Then he cut off all of their tails and that's why people no longer have tails. He shot himself out of a cannon onto a cactus, then jumped in a pool of lemonade and drank it all. He spit it out on a child.

Tired and weary, he trudged back into the library and reread the comment 50 times. His wee old heart couldn't take it, and he died. As he floated toward the light, he saw a vision. Tinkydumbnuts the pony told him, "Don't die! The internet needs you! If you don't channel your insanity into hatred on every comment section ever, YouTube, and other websites like it might actually be a hate-free place. If you won't ruin everyone's day, then who will?"

Suddenly, Fred awoke with a gasp. There was a paramedic bringing him back to life. He slaughtered him with the Jaws of Life for being such a no life and taking up a profession that helped people rather than one that helped ponies.

He was ready. He reread the comment another 300 times. He contemplated the best response in his power. For 30 long years, he roamed the Earth (never aging because Bronies are immortal), until at last, he came up with the perfect comment while slaughtering children in Paris.

Back at the library, he cracked his knuckles and began. "Drink bleach, ked."

The response was "no u"

He began quaking, and vibrating at incredible speeds. His eyes fell out, and he leapt out the window, biting off his hoof.

After undoubtedly winning that comment war, since the other guy gave up after being told to shit on a turd 43 times, and the guy after that was beaten by his new strategy, he moved onto another video. His new strategy, by the way, was to respond, "I know you are but what am I?" because it literally deflected all blows attempted at him.

He saw a video called "Child with artificial legs takes his first steps." He clicked it, and was incredibly bored, until the kid fell over. He laughed hysterically and just had to share his guffaw with the world. He wrote, "Look at 3:45! L – O – L! LMAO! HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHA"

Some guy responded, "Dude, your sick."

"HAHAHAHAHAHHA" Fred laughed out loud. He had him now! "you're********************" he responded.

His opponent replied with "idc"

"HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Fred replied "I don't care.***********"

"You can't correct slang"

"WATCH MEHHHHHH! Also, slang.******"

Another enemy engaged in the wrong war. He told Fred, "Suck a dick u brony!"

"YOU MEAN, HERO***** and, YOU*********" He immediately replied to himself, "MLP IS FOR ALL AGES!" "WAIT NO, JUST ADULTS!" "I AGREE!"

Suddenly, it hit him. There was no limit to how many times in a row he could reply. He took a deep breath, and began to "spam"

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He scrolled back through his brilliant comments, and noticed a stray one. It said, "MLP is for little girls."

He realized he had the win now. "I JUST SAID IT WASN'T CAN YOU REAd?"

To finish this guy off for good, he began to look into his profile and attack him for his interests. He noticed he had a profile picture of Link, from Legend of Zelda.

"LOL ZELDA IS FOR BABIES! NOT EVEN BABIES! UNBORN FETUSES! NO EVEN HUMAN FETUSES, FLY FETUSES!"

Some other fat nerd responded with, "Not*, and also, flies don't have fetuses."

Fred's blood vessels all popped at once. He knew he had to take down this guy until he was no more.

He googled his real name, and saw his FaceBook profile picture. He saw him with another girl.

"HAHAHAHHA U HAVE A GIRLFRIEND HOW PATHETIC!"

"Bro, at least I'm not a no life nerd like you, kid."

"KID! I'M 15! NO LIFE? PROOF? NERD? PROOOF? !?"

The guy was so furious, Fred could feel it in his bones. "Eat shit, nerd boy," the guy wrote. "L O L!" shouted Fred. He responded brilliantly with "Umad?"

"Why would I be mad? Ur just a virgin scum."

"L O L!" said Fred. "At least I'm not a scrawny old man like u lad, and my girlfriend is Flutterdickbutt. FLUTTERDICKBUT Isn'T 1 POUND OVERWEIGHT LIKE UR GF LADDDEIEIIEIEIEIEI! UR SCUM AND SO I S UR GF SHE IS GUNNA DIE AND LEAVE YOU FOR A BETTER MAN. U MADE HER GAY RU HAPPY?/?"

"Scrawny?" replied Fred's victim. "I am NOT scrawny. 1v1 me IRL and find out"

"IS THAT A CHALLENGE?" Fred gargled.

"hell ye m7 id rekt u eZ"

Fred's head began to spin, literally. He imploded into himself, until he was a single pixel. Then, he shot himself into the internet itself, tracking down his prey and shooting out of the computer into his room as a full sized Ponyman.

"AHHHHH!" Screamed the 9 year old little boy. His mother came rushing in, and she fainted.

"U WANTED A FIGHT, U GO A FIGHT!" He picked up the child and bashed him into a wall.

"NO MORE!" Yelled the boy. "UNCLE! UNCLE!"

"IT'S TOO LATE TO BEG FOR MERCY! YOU SAID, AND I QUOTE, 'M7 ID REKT U EZ'. IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU SAID?"

"IDK WHAT I SAID," the boy sobbed.

"WELL U SAID UD REKT ME EZ? IS THIS EZ? IS IT?"

"NO!"

Fred cackled and split the boy in half. His mother screamed and lunged at the Ponyman, but he backhanded her and sliced her into smithereens with nothing other than the words "get rekt shrub."

The barely alive child said, "IT'S JUST THE INTERNET! I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT!"

"JUST THE INTERNET? I'LL LET YOU RETHINK THAT IN HELL!"

And with that, storm clouds surged over head. Lightning struck down around Fred, surrounding him in a ring of fire. He reached his hands into the sky and called down a tornado. After tossing the kid and his mum around, he raised his hoof high above the ground. He stomped it down, and split the Earth before him. The crack opened wider at his will, and he dropped the infidels into their demise. He lifted his hoof back up, and his surroundings went back to normal. He rubbed the dust off his mane, and prepared to burst back into the internet, haunting it forever. But just then, he spotted that the boy's desktop was MLP! The boy was a Brony!

"Oh well," laughed Fred, stealing the boy's ponies before flying back into the YouTube comment section and spreading his influence throughout the site.

"What a way to spend the day."


End file.
